Amy B.

2 Months

2005-08-22T22:31:00.000-05:00

I've been doing pretty well since my brother died- I would get tears in my eyes when I heard certain songs and such, but for the most part I just tried to keep my mind off of it. But tonight with the mention of what we're doing with his truck I just broke down and sobbed. It's been almost 2 months since he passed away now. I just want my brother back.

Change

2005-08-20T14:44:00.000-05:00

I found this to be incredibly inspiring:

"Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better. It's not that some people have willpower and some don't...It's that some people are ready to change and others are not. We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance."

I don't know who to credit this to, but it is excellent.

Why You Must Go To Storybook Land

2005-08-18T11:27:00.000-05:00

We had such a great time at Storybook Land today. See: www.storybookland.com. The last time I was there was when I was about 6 or so.
Why you should go:

1- It's nearby for you South Jersey folk- it's only 10 miles away from Atlantic City. Just follow 295 South to 42 and continue on the Black Horse Pike. That going on the A.C. Expressway & G.S.P. is bull.

2- It's pretty darn cheap. $16.95 per person and you can bring a lunch with you or buy one there for an extremely fair price.

3- Kiddie rides that even I can fit my fat ass on.

4- Creepy/ Cool robotic fairytale characters- Snow White was looking particularly chilling today. And the Alice in Wonderland walk thru? It was like a haunted house on acid. But in a good, child friendly way- of course.

5- So many great photo ops. How often do you get to take a picture of a giant shoe? Or of someone standing in a whale's mouth?

6- In the nearly 20 years since I was there things have changed, but they have not actually gotten rid of anything. It was just rearranged with more attractions added.

7- Park's been open for 50 years- family owned.

8- The entire park is spotless.

9- The many spiffy little fairytale houses. Just too cool.

10- Because it is so freakin cool. Really.

Oh, and you say, "I don't have a child"? Well, if you don't have a child, borrow one from a relative or friend- they'll appreciate the break and you have an excuse to go. Get your butt there and experience the splendor of creepy robotic fairytale creatures. You will thank me.

This Past Month

2005-08-13T23:57:00.001-05:00

So... quite a few things have happened this past month. I was hit, ended a 5 year relationship, have gone to court & filed bankruptcy. This has been just the crappiest summer ever for me. However, I have made a wonderful friend on this website called MySpace. So at least I have one good thing. The fall had better be a good time for me. For real.

My_keyoard_is_roke

2005-07-17T09:22:00.000-05:00

Ivy_poured_water_o_the_freakig_keyoard_ad_roke_the_spacear,_ad_two_keys_aove_it,_ut_I_oviously_ca't_type_them._So_I_am_pretty_much_computer-less_till_I_get_a_ew_keyoard._Oh,_ut_wait,_I_do't_have_a_workig_car_to_get_to_the_store!_This_sucks.

Once You Hit Rock Bottom, The Only Way To Go Is Up

2005-07-13T16:20:00.000-05:00

A few days ago I thought this expression was full of shit- because everytime I thought I was at rock bottom, I just fell further and further. But apparantly, last night was rock bottom- and today is starting to go uphill! Because I could probably type for hours on all that has happened in the past month, I will shorten it considerably in a brief timeline- without the exact time- because that requires too much research.

Mom's struggling to save house- all deals get f'd up
Great Aunt died
Great Uncle died
Entire inheritance I am to receive from my Great Uncle that was going to be used to buy replacement car for my dying Taurus needs to go to my mom to save house
Tony struggling with pain pill addiction- I'm struggling to deal with him
Struggling to get all info needed for my long put off bankruptcy
31 year old brother died suddenly
Fall into depression
Dealing with dickhead Tony
Dealing with drugged, far-out there Tony who passes out
Dealing with his friends over EVERY day for the past two weeks
My car overheating and dies
Tony's car's motor mounts & exhaust f'd up- car undrivable
Dead brother's car's clutch and who knows what else breaks
We have no car
Fighting with Tony- constantly
Friends Dianna & Jerry won't come over because of Tony and his friends
Company picnic has extraordinarily poor attendance- this is the first year I have planned it alone
Go to Great Aunt & Uncle's to clean out house- cry at things I remember and of pictures I find of my brother
Went to doctor for blood pressure- gained 6 pounds
Dianna & Jerry finally come over- Tony fights with them and they leave after 5 minutes- I haven't seen them in over 2 weeks

...and here's the upswing!

Dead Taurus & old burnt up Sable in shop- mechanic to resurrect one or the other
Wonderful co-worker Kim drives me into work
My bankruptcy gets filed!
Central air that has been broken for years is fixed- entire house cold
Tony goes to doctor and drops him as a patient. Refers Tony to detox clinic. Tony calm and agrees to go. Wants to change his life around. Sounds genuine.
Managed to get a ton of billing done at work

So please, please, God, if you're listening- let this keep going on the upswing. If I made it through all that- don't I deserve some good things in my life? Please?

Marlon

2005-06-26T00:34:00.000-05:00

I got a call this afternoon from this lady Michele that my brother Marlon was doing some work for. He was moving scrap metal in upper 90s heat- and he has a heart condition. Apparantly he collapsed in the street and Michele attempted to perform CPR but was unable to revive him and called 911. She had taken his cell phone in order to reach his family. We finally got in touch with the hospital he was at and rushed over there as fast as we could- considering that not one of us is a city driver. We ended up at the wrong Mercy Hospital first, then we drove around more trying to get directions to the correct hospital finally reaching our destination at around 7. When we got there a reverend, doctor & nurse escorted us into the family waiting room and explained to my mom, sister, Tony & myself that my brother was dead. Of a heart attack. At 31. My big brother. My mom & I went back to see him and I had hoped that they got it all wrong- that it was some other skinny tall bald guy w/ a goatee living in Philly. He looked pretty peaceful, but he was so cold. We went back to the family room where I just felt so sick- my head was pounding, I couldn't breathe, nauseated. I had to run to the bathroom twice to vomit. Various nurses came in to help and explain things and the Reverend was so amazing. Wonderful people there at Mercy Hospital. My mom was on the phone for about an hour with Gift of Life trying to get his tissues and such donated. He's going to help a lot of people. We can't even afford to have a service for him. Marlon doesn't have life insurance and we're struggling terrbily just to keep my mom in her house right now. He had it marked on his license to be an organ donor and I know that's what he would have wanted. He passed away at 4:15 this afternoon. I'm still in such shock. I can't fathom that my brother is gone. He was such an amazing, intelligent, kind, funny, peaceful being. Marlon could make friends with anyone. I have always been so proud to call him my brother. And I just don't know what I'm going to do without him.

See Marlon's Memorial page at: http://marlonsolar.blogspot.com/

Here's a musical that my brother was in: http://citypaper.net/articles/2003-11-06/music.shtml
Yes, he's the guy in diaper on the right. It was a crazy show, but it was so funny.

Can't think of a title

2005-06-24T12:43:00.000-05:00

I just realized that I haven't posted in so long. I've recently become addicted to MySpace so that has taken me away from blogging- plus the fact that I have nothing interesting to say. Tony's doing pretty well weaning from the medication he was taking. It's a process. Summer's here and the weather in Jersey is sticky. Ivy's doing really well. She talks in length about going to the beach, when she's going to the beach, what she's going to do there, what she's going to bring, etc. We had a good 20 minute talk about this...lol. She's never even been to the beach yet! So I have some vacation planning to do. It all has to be on the cheap- but I'd like to go to Ocean City for a day or two, maybe Dutch Wonderland too. But guess what? I'm am excited to say that we will be going to Story Book Land tomorrow! I haven't been there since I was 6 years old. I hope Ivy's tall enough to ride on this stuff alone though because mommy's not sure her big fat ass will be able to fit in tiny little kid rides. One of my coworkers went she said that she was able to fit on the rides, albeit very uncomfortably- but she's also very slender. I must buy Ivy a pair of platform shoes tonight- that will give her an inch or two. :) See: www.storybookland.com.

Ivy used to dance to this video

2005-06-05T10:09:00.000-05:00

http://song.musicvideocodes.com/song.php?s=3082

Pain Pills

2005-06-04T20:09:00.000-05:00

After a huge fight today with Tony, he has finally admitted to what I have feared for so long- he is hooked on pain pills. Granted, he does have back pain, but he has been taking them so long he has grown dependent on them. He insists that it is not an "addiction" but a "dependence". I don't see the difference. He said he has talked to his doctor and has lowered the doseage at least. Drug addiction is such a hot topic with me as my best friend Stacy died last year of a drug overdose at the age of 21. He's currently taking 2 different pain medications, a sleeping pill & has just filled a prescription for Xanax to "control his moods". Thankfully he has not started taking the Xanax as I am freaked out enough over the pain pills. I just don't know how to handle this. He doesn't want me telling anyone but it's eating me up inside, so I at least need to vent here. I just did a search and found this website: http://www.prescriptiondrugaddiction.com/common.asp
Tony's main problem is #6- hydrocodone. And it's really encouraging that he always takes #14- Soma and now #5- Xanax. Christ. I hate his doctor. He prescribes pain killers to just about anyone. It's sickening. As a rule, I try not to take anything stronger than Tylenol- even after I've had surgery. Yes people, my boyfriend and father of my child is now a druggie. Ain't that just fabulous?

You must read this

2005-06-04T19:11:00.000-05:00

Post-coital Babble: An anti-cancer vaccine? Not if the Right-Wing gets its way.

2005-06-04T13:09:00.000-05:00

And bears at the beach cake! Woo hoo! See: http://www.womansday.com/article.asp?section_id=13&article_id=5717&page_number=1

2005-06-04T13:08:00.000-05:00

The fish cake! See: http://www.womansday.com/article.asp?section_id=13&article_id=9686&page_number=1

Remember the Hamster Dance?

2005-05-29T12:54:00.000-05:00

http://www.webhamster.com/

2005-05-28T10:26:00.000-05:00

I will not lie- I probably like My Little Ponies better than my daughter- and yes- I probably pushed her toward them a bit more than Barbies- but dammit- they're so cute! Look! Halloween ponies!!!

Tony & "Women's" Television

2005-05-28T10:20:00.000-05:00

I know, I'm probably mean, but there is no testosterone in this household. Well, the majority would come from me at least. Here is a list of Tony's favorite shows & channels:

1- The Lifetime Channel- need I say more?
2- The Golden Girls
3- Days of Our Lives
4- Passions

Oh, and while I would not consider it a favorite- at least I hope not- he is currently watching Martha Stewart.

6/1/05- In all fairness I do want to add that he has gotten hooked on the show "Huff" (it's even set as the damn wallpaper) and loves "Dead Like Me".

Tiramisu Cake

2005-05-24T18:43:00.000-05:00

From a box! Yum. Another thing I must bake.

http://www.womansday.com/article.asp?section_id=13&article_id=9393

I Am On Vacation!!!!

2005-05-24T18:41:00.000-05:00

And I have nowhere to goooo... But that's alright- I just need to be somewhere other than work. I actually went to the library tonight after work and checked out 3 books for myself to read in my time off. Oh, and is it a requirement that librarians be incredibly unpleasant? Uggghhh. When I went to pick up Ivy at my old neighbor's house she was running around in a huge pumpkin shirt (ya know- the orange one with a jack-o-lantern face on it). The she wanted to show me her shirt she pooped on. Luckily she didn't manage to open the bag it was in. So now I am home and got all excited to see a new Womans Day magazine come in the mail. Yippee! I've been on a baking kick lately- using only boxed mixes of course- but there is this awesome fishbowl cake on the cover of the magazine. I so want to make it. I've tried searching womansday.com to find a picture of it but have been unsuccessful. It is just so neat. I must find a picture of it.

2005-05-24T18:24:00.000-05:00

And at her birthday party a month ago being pulled by Uncle Marlon

2005-05-24T18:23:00.001-05:00

2 days old

2005-05-24T18:23:00.000-05:00

Easter 2004

2005-05-24T18:22:00.000-05:00

This was taken at 18 months old. Doesn't she look thrilled?

2005-05-24T18:20:00.000-05:00

She was so little then!!!

2005-05-24T18:18:00.000-05:00

Ivy & Allison (and dirty puppy)

2005-05-24T18:14:00.000-05:00

Me & Ivy (not very recent- Sept. 2003)